Me: Hey, God, happy almost New Year.
God: Yeah, thanks. You, too.
Me: Thanks. So, listen, I was wondering if you’d be up for just like giving me a couple of heads ups about, you know, next year…
God: Oh, I don’t know.
Me: COME ON MAN
Me: Sorry. Um, so, just like little stuff.
God: I really don’t usually do this kind of thing.
Me: That’s what she said, God. That’s what she said.
God: Is that an American Office reference?
Me: IT’S A GOOD SHOW MAN
God: Jesus, relax.
Me: You see, that’s kind of it. I need to relax. I’m freaking out and I’m drinking like a case of beer every night and chasing it with a joint and I still can barely fucking – er, freaking – sleep.
God: Good save.
Me: Thanks. What? Anyway, can you just tell me a little about 2012? Just to help me relax, just like YOU SUGGESTED MAN
Me: Yeah, okay, you’re right. Just – this Mayan end of the world thing in 2012 – total crap, right?
God: I can neither confirm nor deny that.
Me: WHAT THE FUCK MAN
Me: I’m sorry but I can hear you laughing. Not very nice, God.
God: What are you gonna do about it?
Me: Well, I–
God: Rhetorical question.
Me: You’re a real peach, God. But, fine. So, okay, what about the Euro crisis? And the economy is gonna bounce back big, right?
God: What are your savings like?
Me: YOU KNOW I’M BROKE MAN
God: Ha ha… yeah.
Me: Just, come on. Tell me something. Like will I finally get a girlfriend?
God: You’ll definitely meet someone.
God: Yep. Mark my words. You’ll literally meet someone.
Me: That’s great! Wait. That’s not really an answer. I mean, because if I don’t get a girl, and I’m broke, and then the world ends because of some stupid Mayan prophecy, it’s like why was I even ever alive? Just, okay, just answer me that – what’s the point of my existence?
God: One sec. Who’s on the phone?
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING MAN
God: I have to take this. Sorry.
Me: IT DIDN’T EVEN RING
God: Happy New Year. Check you later.
Me: IF YOU DON’T ANSWER ME I SWEAR TO…YOU…THAT I’M GONNA… God? Dude? GOD FUCKING DAMNIT FUCKING MAYANS
Happy New Year, friends (and God).